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10 New Year's Resolutions for George W. Bush

1) Become King of Small Nation - The only natural thing to do after being the president is being a king. I would like to rule a continental, but pop suggests I start with a small nation first. I have watched Madagascar and Madagascar 2 and find King Julian to be inspirational. I think I will start a baseball team and have every restaurant in the country called George's.

2) Build Presidential Library - I am going to build mine across the street from Clinton's. I will make mine bigger with all kinds of lights and techno doohickeys to attract attention. I have been in the White House for 8 years and no intern has even shown me a cigar. I'll show Bill that mine is bigger than his. Plus, my library will have the comic book version of every book in stock.

3) Book Speaking Engagements - Man I have a lot to say and I hear people will pay out the eyebrow to hear it. I already have a Bra Mitzvah and Wedding lined up in March. I have watched a lot of Don Rickles and feel ready for the task. I like the one where I ask the groom if he knows where Osama is hiding and then torture him until he pukes. Oh man I am going to be funny. Speaking of which...

4) Create My Own Fake News Show - $#%! John Stewart and Comedy Central. Those guys think they are so funny reporting on how stupid I am. I'll show them by creating my own show that reports on my outrageous, dumb exploits. Those guys have no idea how bad I can get. Maybe they will let me replace Leno.

5) Catch up on Spongebob - I love that little yellow guy. He reminds me a lot of myself. I heard he has been having all kinds of adventures and even got to meet David Hasslehoff. I wish I had met the Hasslehoff.

6) Avoid Hunting with Dick Cheney - Dick keeps trying to schedule a hunting trip after I leave office, but Laura tells me not to go. It's strange how Dick keeps having that guy from the frame store come and measure my face.

7) Go Hit on that Palin Chick - I love Laura, but man that Sarah Palin is HOT! She is great on 30 Rock and that whole pit bull with lipstick thing really turns me on. If she went for an old fart like McCain she will really dig me. Hell, I am even willing to do a foursome if necessary. Heh heh, I am like Austin Powers. Yeah baby, I bet she shags like a carpet. Yeah.

8) Produce and Star in New Oliver Stone Movie: W 2: The Return of the King - The first movie was pretty good, but the second one will be better. It will have alien invasions, explosions, massive battles and end with me being crowned King. Just like in real life.

9) Pardon Myself - Heh, heh I've been a naughty boy these last eight years and need a get out of jail free card. When Obama sees what else I've done to this country they will want to skin me alive. However, Georgie boy is one step ahead of them. On my last day I pardon only myself since I am the only person who really deserves it.

10) Get my Brain Back from Area 51 - The aliens and smoking man promised they would give it back to me after I left the Oval Office. I hope they are able to find the correct one. I swear Jeb switched the brains around when he thought no one was looking. JEBBBBBBBBBBB!!!